i’m not who i thought i was.

things i do know about myself:

• i love God.
• i’m a wife.
• i’m a mom.
• i’m a daughter.
• i’m a sister.
• i love to sing.

i know…a lot of “i’s” in that opener. That’s what this post is about. A big dose of the reality of who i thought i was. It is 3:35am on Friday morning. i really did try to go to sleep this whole night. i tossed and turned, opened windows, tried different pillows, but nothing could shut my brain off. i journal pretty much every morning so i’m considering this my earliest journal entry to date. So here it goes. i blew it tonight, but the blow it didn’t just start tonight – it’s been brewing. There have been signs of this event on the horizon for the last few months. the gory details of the unraveling entail all these little things – not really a huge thing, but tiny little things that all led up to this sleepless night. i wasn’t doing anything “crazy,” but the things i have or haven’t been doing are much more subtle and therefore much more dangerous and deceiving. All those little things pointed to one thing. i am selfish. very selfish. i’m not beating myself up here. Most people could say the same thing – yes, we all have selfish tendencies, but these things that were going on in my heart and mind were more than just the slight bent towards selfish living. It was clearly evident that somewhere along the line, i’d lost my way. Oh, and tonight, this was on full display in a conversation between me and the Lord on the drive home from a Bible study, of all things. i did most of the talking at first. i was angry that He’d let me get this far. i blamed Him for where i found myself standing. i reasoned with Him why this couldn’t be so. “i mean, really, i’m Sonia, the girl everyone thinks is so kind”. “How can You show me something totally different than what i think to be true about me”? And the best question of all…”Why God?” i’m uncomfortable even writing that down because nothing catastrophic has happened to me. The only thing that’s happened is that reality has hit me where it hurts, right smack dab in the middle of a sky high pile of pride. There was so much to celebrate tonight. That’s the bummer of it all. There was so much good happening, but it didn’t go well for me, and that was the problem. Yikes, yuck! So now what? What happens after you come face to face with the ugly truth about yourself ? That’s the question i’ve been grappling with. What to do now? I texted a few friends for prayer – i even second guessed doing that because i thought, “How selfish of me!”. i mean, i really can’t trust myself here. This is new territory – one that i can’t run from. i guess i could run, but then what? A junk drawer can only hide so much junk and a closet can hold only so many skeletons. And who wants a home full of junk and skeletons, anyways? i’ve asked God for something pretty regularly since i became a Christian and that was courage. i knew i needed it then and boy, do i know i need it now. It takes courage to let the veil fall from your face and look at the truth of who you are. It’s easy and cowardly to blame others. Yes, people wrong us and yes, we wrong people, that’s why God says to forgive, but that still doesn’t give us a free pass to keep going along our merry way perceiving ourselves as a victim – just tossed around by our circumstances.

So God has me thinking and praying and seeking and knocking and asking this night (morning).  i need to say sorry to my husband for getting angry at him for not making me feel better tonight (i can’t expect him to do that which only God can).  i need to say sorry to others. i need to turn from this road. i need to accept truth and accept love the way God chooses to reveal that to me. i need to let His Hand mold and shape and cut off.

i need to “Be still and know that He is God.” (Psalm 46:10). i need to trust words like:

“O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? I thank God – through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, with the mind I myself serve the law of God, but with the flesh the law of sin. There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit.” Romans 7:24-8:1

That’s it for this journal entry. It’s not what i know about myself that matters – it’s what He says i am and what He says He is doing and what He promises He will do about all of it. It is all about God after all. And since i’m His, i can put my hand in His and keep walking.  It is now 4:22am so to some Good Night and to others Good Morning and to all,

God loves us so much that He will give us truth to set us FREE.