I wrote this letter to my “15-year-old self” as part of a project I worked on four years ago. Mario and I were talking with family recently about the MercyMe song, “Dear Younger Me,” and it made me go back and reread what I had written. I decided I would share it here today:
Dear 15-year-old Sonia,
Oh, sweet girl! There is so much you want to see and do. There are so many songs swirling around in your heart. I know that you just want to be accepted, loved, appreciated, and you just want to “fit”. I know you feel like you have no footing. I know you’re scared of everything. I know you feel so different from everyone else. There’s so much I wish I could share with you so you don’t go down the path that you will choose, but instead, this 39-year-old woman is writing this letter to share a bit about what will happen since you walked through most of your life your way. You will choose wrong pursuits, and you will compromise on all levels even though you have been given a special gift of music – and the gift of loving others and the gift of compassion. You will chase the wrong guys, the wrong activites and the wrong identity just to feel whole. You will come up empty each time. You will get pregnant at 18, and your daughter will suffer alongside you with all the broken situations and relationships you dragged her through. Instead of remembering a loving childhood, she will remember the fear, heartbreak, and deep suffering. You will look back and want the chance to do it all over again. Jesus was calling you but you never listened. He wanted you to choose life then…to choose the life you were created to live. Instead, you will run the other way for quite some time – twenty more years to be exact. You will have many tears and shame piled up sky high until the age of 35 when you finally accept Jesus as the Lord and Savior of your life. Everything will change from that moment on. You will be alive! For the first time ever, you will have peace in your heart and mind. You will know the love of God like nothing else. You will feel protected and cherished. You will feel valuable. You will know you were created with purpose and care, and that you are needed in this world. He will take all the broken parts of your heart and put them in their proper place. He will open your eyes to the truth of this life – that nothing matters except living a life in His perfect LOVE AND GRACE because you are safe there. You are free there. You know you love freedom. You always have. That’s what you were always chasing, and it was always right there in the arms of God. Oh, how I would love to whisper in your ear, you beautiful 15-year old! You are special! Live for Him! You will not regret that – but you will have lots of regrets for all the things you did instead. I would love to scream at you, “Sing your heart out! Sing for joy! Sing because God loves you!” I am looking back at that life and my heart breaks for you. It aches to tell you how much pain you will endure at your own hand. You will love your daughter, that’s for sure. She is so precious. But it will take you quite some time to actually be a “mom” and by then she will be an adult and out on her own journey…and you will not have the chance to go back. You missed her childhood. You missed her adolescence. You missed seeing her life. You missed out on yours and hers. God will redeem the time, dear girl, but you will have scars. Just grab His Hand. He will be your Everything. He has everything you will ever need. He has the perfect husband for you. He plays trumpet and will make you laugh like never before. It would have been nice to go into this relationship without all the baggage you will have accumulated. It may sound outrageous coming from me, but it is so true – patience is a virtue. Being virtuous is a good thing. Being godly is a good thing! That’s all I have to say to you. I sit here as an almost 40-year-old woman now – the tears still flow down my cheeks for the life that could have been and the mom you could have been, but Jesus saved you and He has and is healing you. LIVE, young girl! LIVE!
Love, 39 year old Sonia
Thank you for reading this. I hope you have a nice weekend!
With all my heart,